How I’d Work With A People-Pleaser As A Somatic Therapist in Denver

People-pleasing (aka appeasing and placating) isn’t just a personality trait, it’s a deeply ingrained survival strategy, wired into the nervous system to keep you safe in environments where being your real, authentic self was once dangerous. As a child, you have no choice but to depend on your caregivers, no matter how unfit, emotionally immature, or unsafe they might be. So you learn to maintain the relationship at any cost—because your survival depends on it. What begins as a necessary survival strategy often becomes an unconscious habit that follows you into adulthood, long after the original threat is gone.

You might recognize it as rushing to answer a text message so no one thinks you’re upset. Or constantly scanning a room to monitor how everyone else is feeling. Maybe it’s putting on a bubbly, charismatic front—even when you’re exhausted inside. These behaviors are not rooted in being “too nice” or “overthinking”—they are nervous system responses, designed to protect you.

In my work with people-pleasers, I don’t treat these patterns as flaws to fix. I see them for what they are: protective strategies that have been working overtime for far too long. The path to healing isn’t about forcing yourself to stop people-pleasing—it’s about understanding why these patterns exist and learning how to work with them in your body so you can finally feel safe being your authentic self.

Why People-Pleasing Patterns Persist

The nervous system doesn’t operate on logic. It operates on survival. So even when you know on a conscious level that disagreeing with a friend isn’t life-threatening, your body might still experience it as a threat. Your system has learned that shrinking yourself, over-giving, and constantly tending to others is what keeps you safe.

This is why chronic people-pleasing feels so hard to unlearn. It’s not just a mental habit—it’s a nervous system state. Your body is trying to protect you, even when the danger is no longer real. In therapy, my goal isn’t to get rid of these patterns, but to help you develop new options, so your system can choose differently when it’s safe to do so.

How I Work with People-Pleasing Patterns

No matter what specific “flavor” of people-pleasing someone has, at its core, people-pleasing is about abandoning yourself to stay safe with others. Healing is about reconnecting with yourself, reclaiming agency, and restoring the boundaries that were blurred or lost along the way.

Here’s how we approach this work together:

1. Integrating the Authentic Self That’s Emerging

Underneath people-pleasing patterns, there are often glimpses of a person’s true, authentic self—the part of you that knows what you want, how you feel, and what matters to you. But this part often feels like a risk to express.

In therapy, we'll help you notice and explore these parts as they show up. Maybe it’s a moment of annoyance you usually shove down. Maybe it’s a desire that feels too selfish to speak aloud. The more you connect with your authentic self, the less you have to perform to feel safe.

With time, you'll begin to feel safe just being you, regardless of whether others disapprove or you’re less palatable because of it.

2. Building Self-Connection and Self-Tending

People-pleasers often feel more attuned to others than to themselves (because they had to be as children!). You might know exactly what everyone else needs, but struggle to identify your own feelings, desires, or even physical sensations. Part of the healing process is turning that awareness inward.

This might look like:

• Noticing how your body feels when you say “yes” but want to say “no.”

• Practicing pausing before answering a text or email to check in with yourself first.

• Learning to name your own emotional experience, even just to yourself.

By strengthening this self-connection, you teach your nervous system that your needs matter too, and that tending to yourself is not a threat, but a right.

3. Supporting Power and Agency

People-pleasing stems from powerlessness (again, this powerlessness was very real at some point in the past, these patterns don’t come out of nowhere!). It’s a strategy built on the belief that you don’t have the power to set limits, disagree, or be fully yourself without consequence.

In therapy, we work on restoring that sense of power and agency. This doesn’t mean bulldozing into conflict or making radical life changes overnight. It often starts with micro-moments of choice, moments where you choose to let yourself matter, even in small ways.

It might be as simple as deciding what you want for dinner without asking, “Is that okay with you?” Or choosing to let a text sit unanswered for a little longer than feels comfortable, just to build tolerance for the discomfort of not being hyper-available.

4. Restoring Boundaries with Others

One of the hardest parts of healing from people-pleasing is re-learning how to have boundaries with others. Because when your nervous system equates boundaries with rejection, conflict, or abandonment, having boundaries feels like a threat.

In therapy, we focus on helping you find safety in boundaries. We practice what it feels like to disagree, to take up space, to let someone else be disappointed without rushing in to fix it. We also explore where your boundaries feel blurry or non-existent, and how to repair that connection with yourself.

We take this at a pace that feels manageable. You don’t have to overhaul your relationships overnight. Small, consistent shifts are often more powerful than sweeping changes.

Finding Safety in Being Different, Disagreeing, and Being Seen

A lot of the work in healing people-pleasing is helping the nervous system find safety in being different. In disagreeing. In being seen for who you truly are—not just the agreeable, helpful, always-available version of you.

This work is tender, because it literally feels dangerous to your system. But with time, practice, and support, your nervous system can update its map of what is safe. You can begin to experience that it’s okay to take up space, have preferences, and let others manage their own feelings.

I often encourage my clients to embody phrases like:

• I can do what I need in my life.

• It’s okay to be my real self.

• My life is my own, and nobody else’s.

• I get to have preferences.

• I am enough as is.

These aren’t just affirmations. They’re new neural pathways. Each time you practice embodying these truths, you’re inviting your nervous system into a different experience of safety—a safety that comes from within, not from others’ approval.

Why You Don’t Have to (and Probably Can’t) Do This Work Alone

Unraveling people-pleasing isn’t just about learning new communication skills or telling yourself to stop overthinking. It’s a deep, nervous system-level process that often stirs up old fears, unconscious patterns, and emotional blocks that can be hard to navigate on your own.

Many of the people I work with are incredibly self-aware. They’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, and know exactly why they people-please. But despite that awareness, they still find themselves stuck in the same loops of over-giving, hyper-vigilance, and self-abandonment. That’s not because they’re doing anything wrong, it’s because this wound comes from relationships, so it requires healing within relationships. People-pleasing patterns were built in relationships, and they need safe, attuned relationships to heal.

That’s where therapy can be life-changing.

I specialize in working with people who feel lost, disconnected, and tired of living in a facade where their needs don’t seem to matter. Whether it’s chronic people-pleasing, relational trauma, or the mind-body impacts of chronic pain, my approach is grounded in somatic and neurobiology-based modalities that help you reconnect with your authentic self, not just cognitively, but through your whole nervous system.

And if traditional therapy has felt too slow or surface-level for you, I offer immersive therapy sessions—extended, deep-dive sessions designed to give you the time and space to actually work through these patterns, without the constant ticking of the clock. Immersives allow us to move beyond weekly check-ins and into meaningful, focused work where real change can happen.

People-pleasing isn’t just a bad habit—it’s a protective pattern that has been keeping you safe in ways your nervous system learned were necessary. But when you try to shift out of these patterns alone, so many blocks can get in the way. The fear of conflict. The guilt of setting boundaries. The terror of being seen and still not being enough. These are not things you should be expected to “push through” by yourself.

In therapy, we gently untangle these blocks together. We create a space where your nervous system can experience safety in being different, in saying no, in taking up space. Where you can practice new ways of relating without judgment or pressure. Healing people-pleasing isn’t about flipping a switch, it’s about retraining your body to believe that you are safe to be who you are (because usually, you are…your body just hasn’t caught up with the current reality yet).

If you’re in Colorado and ready to finally step away from the needless, wantless facade and into a life where your needs, wants, and boundaries are allowed to exist, I’m here to help you get there.

Final Thoughts

People-pleasing isn’t something you can “think” your way out of. It’s a protective strategy rooted in your nervous system, designed to keep you safe when safety wasn’t guaranteed. But it doesn’t have to be your lifelong default.

In therapy, we work with these patterns gently, with deep respect for why they exist. Together, we build your capacity to reconnect with your authentic self, tend to your own needs, reclaim your agency, and set boundaries that honor who you are. The goal isn’t to become “less nice”, it’s to become more authentic and connected to yourself, and to step back into your own power.

You don’t have to keep living in a life that feels like it’s for everyone else. You get to belong to yourself.

About the Author: Somatic Therapist Denver

Martha Carter is a licensed therapist providing virtual services in Colorado. She is trauma-informed and trained in somatic, neurobiology-based modalities to help people with all types of trauma and chronic pain heal from the inside out.

(Colorado residents only)