How to Tell the Difference Between Your True Self and Your Trauma Self

Relearning who you are without your survival strategies

As a trauma therapist, I often hear people say, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” When you’ve lived through relational or developmental trauma, it can be confusing to know where your true self ends and your trauma self begins. You might wonder, “Do I actually want this, or am I doing it because it feels safer?”

This is a common part of trauma healing. After years of survival, your nervous system can lose touch with what’s real for you. Many of the qualities you’ve come to see as “just who I am” might actually be protective strategies your body and mind developed to stay safe.

In somatic therapy, we call these trauma-based identities the “trauma self.” They’re not bad or broken parts of you; they’re protective. But healing involves reconnecting with your true self—the part of you that is grounded, curious, creative, and fully alive.

Common Survival Strategies and What They Come From

Below are some examples of survival strategies that can shape your trauma identity, along with what they often feel like in the body and how they differ from your true self.

“There isn’t space for me.”

If you grew up around emotionally unavailable or overwhelming caregivers, you may have learned to shrink yourself to stay safe. You might have felt like your presence was too much or unwanted, so disappearing became a way to belong.

In adulthood, this might show up as people-pleasing, staying quiet, or blending into the background.

In your body: you may feel small, hunched, or like you’re holding your breath.

Your true self feels expansive and calm. Your chest opens, your breath deepens, and you can sense, “I’m here, and it’s okay for me to take up space.”

“The real me isn’t good enough.”

If love was tied to performance or perfection, you may have learned that your worth depends on what you do, not who you are. You might spend your life trying to earn approval through success or self-improvement.

In your body: this feels like constant tension or pressure—tight shoulders, clenched stomach, restless energy.

Your true self feels softer and grounded. You can rest, breathe, and allow yourself to be seen without proving anything.

“I need to make sure they’re okay.”

If you were the emotional caretaker in your family, you may have learned to manage other people’s moods to stay safe. You might feel responsible for everyone’s comfort and worry about being “too much.”

In your body: this feels like leaning forward, tightness in your chest, or scanning for cues.

Your true self feels centered. You can still care deeply but without losing yourself. You feel compassion without absorbing other people’s emotions.

“My needs don’t matter.”

If expressing needs led to rejection or punishment, your nervous system learned it was safer not to need anything. You might pride yourself on being independent but quietly long for deeper connection.

In your body: you may feel numb, flat, or disconnected from hunger, fatigue, or desire.

Your true self feels more alive. You can sense what you want, voice it clearly, and experience needs as natural, not shameful.

“I can’t get the support I need.”

If caregivers were inconsistent or unavailable, you may have learned not to rely on anyone. Asking for help might feel like weakness.

In your body: this often feels rigid or braced, as if you’re holding yourself together.

Your true self allows for interdependence. There’s a softening in the body, a gentle exhale that says, “I don’t have to do this alone.”

“I can’t be vulnerable.”

If vulnerability led to ridicule or abandonment, your system learned that being open was dangerous. You might use humor, logic, or caretaking to avoid showing your true emotions.

In your body: vulnerability can feel like exposure—heart racing, throat tight, or eyes looking away.

Your true self feels grounded and open. Your breath steadies, your body relaxes, and connection feels nourishing instead of threatening.

“I need to accomplish to be valuable.”

If love was tied to achievement, you may only feel worthy when you’re productive. Rest might bring guilt or anxiety.

In your body: this feels like forward tension, tight shoulders, and an inability to slow down.

Your true self feels steady even in stillness. You can rest, breathe, and know that your worth doesn’t depend on how much you do.

How to Tell the Difference

The easiest way to tell whether you’re living from your true self or your trauma self is by noticing your body state.

• Trauma self: Feels tense, pressured, collapsed, or disconnected. There’s a sense of urgency, guilt, or bracing for something bad.

• True self: Feels open, grounded, and calm. You can feel your breath, emotions, and sensations without panic or shame.

Neither one is wrong. Your trauma self was essential—it got you here. But through trauma therapy, your body can learn that it’s safe to live from a more authentic place.

Somatic Therapy: A Way Back to Your True Self

Somatic therapy offers a gentle space to explore these patterns through the body rather than just the mind. Instead of talking about what happened, we pay attention to how your body holds the past—through tension, posture, or breath—and work with it directly.

By learning to regulate your nervous system and sense safety in your body, you can begin to release old survival strategies and reconnect with your authentic self.

Over time, your system learns that it’s safe to soften, safe to take up space, and safe to be who you are. What emerges is your true self—steady, open, and whole.

Looking For a Somatic Therapist in Colorado?

About the Author: Trauma Therapy Denver CO

Martha Carter is a licensed therapist providing virtual services in Colorado. She is trauma-informed and trained in somatic, neurobiology-based modalities to help people with all types of trauma, chronic pain, and eating disorders heal from the inside out.

(Colorado residents only)