Why Being Misunderstood Is So Triggering for People With Trauma
TL;DR: If being misunderstood feels disproportionately upsetting, it’s often because your nervous system learned early that being misread meant losing safety or connection. Martha Carter, a somatic trauma therapist specializing in childhood and relational trauma, explains that this response isn’t a flaw—it’s a protective, body-based survival strategy. Healing isn’t about avoiding misunderstanding, but about learning how to stay grounded, regulated, and connected to yourself when it happens.
When Being Misunderstood Hits Deeper Than It “Should”
Most people have been misunderstood at some point.
A comment lands wrong
Someone assumes something about you that isn’t true
A conversation ends and you’re left thinking: That’s not what I meant at all
For some people, it’s irritating but easy to move on from.
For others, it lingers.
It feels heavy or strangely intense
You replay the interaction on a loop
You feel anxious, shut down, or self-doubting
You question yourself long after the moment has passed
If being misunderstood seems to hit you harder than it “should,” there’s usually a reason.
For people with trauma—especially relational or childhood trauma—being misunderstood isn’t just uncomfortable.
It can feel threatening
Exposing
Deeply destabilizing
In this post, we’ll explore:
Why this happens
Why it’s not a personal flaw
How healing doesn’t mean avoiding misunderstanding—but learning to live with it without losing yourself
Why Being Misunderstood Can Feel So Triggering
When someone misunderstands you, it’s rarely just about that moment.
It often taps into much older experiences where being misread wasn’t neutral—it had consequences.
Many people with trauma grew up in environments where:
Their feelings were dismissed or minimized
They had to explain themselves perfectly to be taken seriously
Being misinterpreted led to conflict, punishment, or emotional withdrawal
Being “wrongly seen” meant losing safety, approval, or connection
Because of this, your body doesn’t register misunderstanding as a small social hiccup.
It reacts as if something important is at risk.
That’s why you might notice:
An urge to overexplain or justify yourself
Freezing or shutting down
Sudden shame, anger, or panic
A desire to pull away completely
These aren’t character flaws.
They’re protective responses that once made sense.
Why Logic Alone Doesn’t Fix It
Many people try to reason their way out of this reaction:
They didn’t mean it
It’s not that big of a deal
I should just let it go
And yet—the feeling doesn’t go away.
That’s because this response isn’t driven by logic.
It’s driven by your nervous system remembering what misunderstanding used to cost you.
When you’ve had to fight to be believed, seen, or taken seriously:
Misunderstanding can feel like erasure
Even small moments can feel disproportionately painful
This is also why you might feel:
Confused about why you’re still upset hours later
Exhausted after what seemed like a minor interaction
Drained in ways that don’t quite make sense
Your body is responding to history, not just the present moment.
It’s Often Not About You
This can be hard to hear—but also incredibly freeing:
Being misunderstood is a normal part of being human.
It happens constantly, even:
In healthy relationships
Between well-intentioned people
When communication is generally strong
People miss each other because of:
Different backgrounds
Different communication styles
Assumptions
Emotional states
When trauma is involved, misunderstanding can feel personal—like proof that:
You’re invisible
You’re unimportant
You’re doing something wrong
But most of the time, it isn’t a reflection of your worth or clarity.
It’s simply two people missing each other in a moment.
Healing doesn’t mean everyone suddenly understands you.
It means misunderstanding stops feeling like a threat to who you are.
Learning to Live With Being Misunderstood
This is the part many people don’t expect.
A lot of healing work focuses on:
Better communication
Stronger boundaries
Clearer self-expression
And those things matter.
But even with all of that, misunderstanding still happens.
Healing is about learning how to stay with yourself when it does.
That might look like:
Not rushing to fix someone else’s perception of you
Not assuming misunderstanding equals rejection
Letting yourself feel uncomfortable without abandoning your needs
Staying anchored in your values instead of self-erasing
This doesn’t mean you never clarify or speak up.
It means you’re no longer doing it from panic.
You’re choosing—rather than reacting.
What This Can Look Like in Real Life
You share something vulnerable.
The response misses the point
You feel that familiar drop in your stomach
Old patterns show up:
I need to explain better
I shouldn’t have said anything
Instead of spiraling, healing might look like:
Pausing and noticing the reaction in your body
Reminding yourself that misunderstanding doesn’t automatically mean danger
Deciding whether clarification is actually needed
Allowing it to be okay if it goes unresolved
Sometimes the most powerful response isn’t correcting the misunderstanding.
It’s staying grounded enough to trust yourself anyway.
When It Still Hurts
Even with healing, being misunderstood can still hurt.
That doesn’t mean:
You’re failing
You’re regressing
You’re doing something wrong
It means you’re human.
The difference is:
You recover faster
You don’t turn against yourself
You don’t shrink or overperform to earn understanding
You learn that you can be okay—even when someone doesn’t fully get you.
Staying Connected to Yourself
Being misunderstood will always be part of life.
The goal of healing isn’t to eliminate it.
It’s to stop losing yourself when it happens.
When you can stay connected to who you are—even in moments of misattunement:
You stop chasing validation
You build real self-trust
You feel safer in your own skin
If being misunderstood still feels deeply unsettling, this is exactly the kind of work I support clients with—helping you feel steadier, more grounded, and more secure in yourself without forcing you to relive the past or explain it all away.
Things I Do As A Trauma Therapist When I Feel Misunderstood
I remind myself of who I really am (not who they think I am) through journaling or reflecting on moments when I felt like my true-est essence was present
I talk to people who bring out my most authentic self and help me feel more like *me*
I ask someone I feel safe with--and who really sees me-- for their perspective, because the external validation can help me re-orient to the reality of who I am at my core
I remind myself of who **they** are—is the person who misunderstood me someone who attracts drama, or demonstrates emotionally immaturity? If so, it can help me to see how this may be more about them than about me
I remind myself that misunderstandings are inevitable and happen all the time, AND I can get through this. I tell myself things like “I can tolerate the discomfort of being misunderstood” and don’t always need to fix it (because what an exhausting life that is, always trying to manage people’s opinions of me!!!). Even though it sucks, I can let it go for the sake of building a more relaxed life for myself
I distract myself until the urge to convince them of who I am passes... easier said than done, but over time it helps me expand my tolerance for it
I remind myself that I’m not for everyone. No one is for everyone, and that’s okay
Looking for a therapy in Lakewood or virtually across Colorado? I specialize in helping people stay true to themselves, figure out what they want and need, and feel more at ease, even in the face of being disliked or misunderstood.
About the Author: Therapy Lakewood
Martha Carter is a licensed therapist providing virtual services in Colorado. She is trauma-informed and trained in somatic, neurobiology-based modalities to help people with all types of trauma and chronic pain heal from the inside out.
(Colorado residents only)
